WeWood Watches

Can I add these to my Christmas wish list?

Merry Christmas From the Derpy Reindeer

Screw cheesy carols and overcrowded malls, this is the first thing that's actually gotten me into the Christmas Spirit. It really captures the frantic mood of the season.

The rest of these derpy reindeer can be found here

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey First Trailer

Hey, remember the best fantasy movies ever made? The first trailer for the prequel to that is out. What is the collective name for a group of Dwarves anyway? An axe? A shaft? Or is it a tossing of Dwarves?

Can you believe it's been a whole decade since The Fellowship of the Ring wowed cinema-goers for the first time? If The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey can recapture some of that movie magic, we're set for another fantasy classic.

The first part of The Hobbit comes out a whole year from now, if you can wait that long.

The Black Keys' El Camino and Other Awesome Road Music

According to that font of all internet knowledge Wikipedia, an El Camino is an American muscle car from the 60s manufactured by Chevrolet. Its name comes from the Spanish for 'the road'. It's fitting then that the Black Keys chose the name for their latest album, an album which evokes the time and place epitomised by classic cars and road-trips across dusty American landscapes with nothing but a cassette player for company.

Freaky New Species Discovered in Asia

Isn't it amazing that in this day and age where you can find a McDonalds on practically every corner, scientists keep discovering new species. The WWF has published a report cataloging 145 new species that have been discovered in the Mekong region of South-East Asia over the last few years. The region is one of the most bio-diverse in the world and, because humans are dicks, one of the most threatened.

The newly discovered species are mostly of the scaly variety - lizards, snakes, newts, fish and the like. There is one lizard that was thought to be extinct but it's not interesting-looking enough to beat the coelacanth as the coolest back-from-the-dead beastie. Here are some of the weirdest critters.



Dolly, eat your heart out. The female of this species can reproduce via cloning, which makes it an awful source of DNA if you're looking to genetically recreate dinosaurs.

This bat is looking quite smug. What would such an ugly bat be so smug about, you ask. He's the best-looking bat on the list.



I've always thought that those night-vision cameras can make any living creature look creepy. Somehow I think this fish wouldn't look any less creepy through a normal camera. For some strange evolutionary reason, underwater animals frequently look like apparitions out of a horrifying nightmarescape so the Vampire Fish will fit right in.

This guy looks like he's dressing up as a comic book superhero. Is there already a Newtman in comics canon? With the ability to regrow lost limbs? If not, there should be.

This just gets creepier and creepier. This millipede doesn't just look off-putting; it also secretes cyanide.

Look at the fangs on this bitch. What's worse is that this spider is the size of a dinner plate.

Ye gods, the Mekong is creepy. Okay, I'm stopping before I lose all ability to sleep ever again.

Source

The Eagles in SA: Big Concerts Parties Like It's 1979

Big Concerts' dedication to bring every washed-up Dad-Rock and 70s lite AC band to South Africa decades after they've been remotely relevant continues. After teasing a big announcement for days, they announced this morning that The Eagles are to perform in SA next year.

Major Lazer - Original Don feat. the Party Squad Music Video

This really needs a "Don't Try This at Home" warning because I really want to buy a sword and a pike and do a little weapon-dancing.

Game of Thrones Season 2 Teaser

The first proper Game of Thrones S2 teaser aired last night on HBO after the Boardwalk Empire finale. It's not much, just shots of the characters looking dramatically at the camera and a voice-over of King Robert's lobster brother Stannis talking about taking the Iron Throne. Not to give away the main conflict of the season but the second book is called Clash of Kings for a reason.

The Amazing Spiderman + Dark Knight Rises Posters

No blue/orange nonsense here, just a great use of an iconic logo.  The untold story part is worthy of an eyebrow-raise though - only if we pretend this isn't a reboot of a franchise that only came to an end a couple of years ago. Here's hoping it's as good as X-Men: First Class.

Meanwhile, the new Batman poster tries to top "Why So Serious?" with the promise of Bats getting his ass kicked in the rain.

Where did all the colour go in superhero movie advertising?

Awesome Possum: Ryan Gosling

There are a lot of awesome people - talented, smart, noble, kind and generally all-round cool. But a lot of the time, we take their awesomeness for granted or, even worse, overlook them in favour of  gossiping about trashy reality show contestants and trainwreck celebs. So this is my little corner of the internet dedicated to giving them a little love. I'm going to start with one of my favourite young actors.

Ryan Gosling

Louis Vuitton Condoms

Are you disgustingly rich and want to flaunt it at every opportunity? Do you like ostentatious displays of wealth but feel that using flaming banknotes to light your Cuban cigars is too gauche? Have you found yourself in a Brewster's Millions situation where you need to spend $30 million in a month without having any assets to show for it? Then Louis Vuitton condoms are for you.



Georgian architect Irakli Kiziria "designed" (ie slapped on the familiar LV logo) the condom, which is intended to benefit AIDS research. The condoms will cost $68 each. Louis Vuitton fans are reportedly eagerly looking forward to the chance to brand their dicks.

While most people who buy these rubber odes to gross consumerism will throw them away after using them, Howard Hughes types can look forward to adding the stylish used condoms to their collection of human waste products in jars. Stalkers of billionaires are also set to benefit, because now when they attempt to impregnate themselves with condoms found in the trash, they can do so with style.

Not to be outdone, Gucci have announced they will be releasing their own branded toilet paper, while Prada are planning on a line of home enema kits. Meanwhile, flea market counterfeiters will be adding the condom range to their inventories of poorly-made Louis Vuitton knockoffs.

Stick Figure Review of Twilight: Breaking Dawn

See this? This is what true art looks like. This is when a pithy doodle is worth a thousand over-written reviews.

Source

House: Busted

Looks like the Mythbusters team might need to hire a new safety team. While filming an upcoming episode, one of their stunts went wrong when they fired a huge homemade cannon at a bunch of water containers, only to watch the cannonball smash through protective cinder blocks and careen into a nearby neighbourhood. The perilous projectile bounced off a hill, smashed clean through a sleeping family's house, took out the roof of another house and finally landed in a van. You can hear the sound of scriptwriters furiously writing this into their slapstick comedy treatments.

For a show with so many big fuckoff explosions, it's surprising that this sort of thing doesn't happen so often. Adam and Jamie's next myth-busting task will be to find out if Americans really are as litigation-happy as they seem. But I wouldn't worry about them. You just know they're rolling in cash. You don't get to blow up that many trucks without having a lot of green in the bank.

The Very Accurate, Not at All Bullshit Roundup of This Week's Movies

Wondering what movie to watch this weekend? You could do what the producers of New Year's Eve did when they were deciding which actors to pair up in their movie - blindly throw darts at a board. Or you could consult my super-handy guide which distils the essence of this weeks' movies into a few sentences.

New Year's Eve


In Waterworld, Kevin Costner had to purify and drink his own pee in order to survive a world without fresh water. Think of New Year's Eve as that pee - Love Actually was the original fresh water, Valentine's Day was the first pee, New Year's Eve is the pee of the pee, and any subsequent holiday-based ensemble romantic comedies will continue the cycle of pee-cycling.

Arthur Christmas


It is a proven fact that 97.8 percent of all Christmas-based movies suck. This movie is by the people who did Wallace and Gromit and features a voice cast that includes James McAvoy, Hugh Laurie and Bill Nighy, so it might not suck. Don't worry, a Chipmunk movie is opening next week to fill the crap Christmas movie quota.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark


Katie Holmes stars in a movie about shady beings who who are responsible for the disappearance of anyone who crosses them. No, it's not a documentary on Scientology.

Drive


Ryan Gosling is a stunt driver with a shiny jacket who gets a hit put out on him when his real-life attempt to play Grand Theft Auto goes horribly wrong. Based on the critically acclaimed movie Drive Angry with Gosling in the Nicolas Cage role.

Brighton Rock


A gangster flick set in the 60s that's a remake of a movie from the 40s, based on a book set in the 30s. The story follows a young thug named Pinkie, who's got to be a hardass bastard because how else would he survive the underworld with a name like Pinkie?

Satyagraha



It's a minimalist opera about the life of Gandhi and based on an ancient Sanskrit text. Oh, and it doesn't come with subtitles. Sounds like a crowd-pleaser.

My recommendation


New Year's Eve. Be honest, aren't you just a little curious about a movie that pairs Michelle Pfeiffer with Zac Efron, Lea Michelle and Ashton Kuctcher, and Halle Berry and Robert DeNiro?

Lord of the Rings Minimalist Posters

I need these lovelies hanging on my wall. Love the use of coffee rings.







The artist has more amazing prints, including X-Men, Harry Potter, Star Wars and Batman. Check them out here.

Trent Reznor and Karen O Tackle Led Zeppelin

The first trailer for David Fincher's upcoming Girl With a Dragon Tattoo was pretty cool, thanks in no small part to an amazing cover of Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song by Trent Reznor and Karen O. Now the full track is available on iTunes.



Whether the movie surpasses the Swedish version is anyone's guess, but the soundtrack certainly looks to be cracking. There's a free six-song sampler to wet your appetite. The full soundtrack will is three hours long so Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross obviously had a very productive few months.

Gingerbread Ewoks

Someone's made a gingerbread Ewok village. As a not-very-good-at-decorating amateur baker, these kinds of intricate creations cause great wonderment and jealousy. And when the baked goods are geek-inclined, consider my soul owned.



Aren't they cute? And if you have a seething hatred of Ewoks, you can do what I used to do with Caramello Bears - eat them one limb at a time and imagine them begging you to stop. I was a strange child.
 

Why not have a go at making an Ewok village yourself this festive season for a very special Lucas-inspired Christmas? Then after you've eaten it all, you can settle down for a viewing of the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special. Sure, it's terrible, but you'll slip into a sugar stupor before you've watched long enough to cause brain damage.

Just Music Free Album Sampler

Just Music has given its customers a nice little Christmas present - an album sampler of their best and most successful acts. You get radio mainstays like Flash Republic, Zebra & Giraffe and Goodluck, alongside critically acclaimed exports such as Dear Reader and Yoav. The sampler goes beyond the radio tracks you've heard a million times over and focuses on non-single album tracks, acoustic versions and alternate mixes.

Head on over to the Just Music soundcloud and see what catches your fancy.

Tannies Get Panties in a Tizzy Over Porn Channel

Onanists, rejoice! Despite the best efforts of uptight busybodies, a porn channel is coming to satellite tv in January. As the channel's signal originates in godless, moral-less France, there's nothing South African authorities can do to stop the upcoming wanksplosion.



I can't wait to hear the same weak arguments from the repressed puritans that they always dust off whenever there's a hint of greater sexual openness in our culture. Let's see if I can remember them all:

1.) Rape! Porn leads to people becoming unstoppable rapists.
Never mind that there's no evidence to support this. Rape is a crime of power and opportunism, not sexuality. And in sexually repressive cultures, victims find it more difficult to speak out and seek help because of fear of stigmatisation. Violence in the media is a lot more pervasive and dangerous than depictions of consenting sexuality yet doesn't inspire much moral outrage among the usual suspects.

2.) Won't someone think of the children?
Yes, I hope you're thinking of your own children and not expecting the rest of us to raise your little darlings for you. If your little bugger has somehow found a way to subscribe to the channel, sneak the special kind of enabled decoder into their room and replaced your TopTV signal all without you noticing, they should be rewarded for being so resourceful.

3.) God says touching your private bits is wrong.
Cool, but not everyone shares your religion or even your specific religious doctrine. We're a secular nation; respect others' difference of religion or lack of by not imposing your morals on other people.

4.) But...but porn is icky/degrading/poorly-acted.
Then don't watch.



The biggest question I have regarding this porn channel is: who the hell even pays for porn nowadays? It's freely and easily available to anyone who has internet access. Is this the same kind of people who subscribe to those SMS lines incessantly advertised on late night eTV?

Spotted: A Snowman in Joburg?

I saw this graffiti on Fox Street yesterday. It's about the only way we'll ever see a snowman in Gauteng at Christmas. Good to see that even the Nigerian street artists are getting into the festive spirit.

Game of Thrones DVD and BluRay Set

For some reason, HBO does not see a good reason to release the first season of their critically and commercially successful series Game of Thrones before Christmas so fans will not receiving their favourite grimdark fantasy in their stockings. Instead, they have released pictures of the S1 boxset in order to drive fanboys and fangirls into a frenzied anticipation not seen since Julio Iglesias announced his world tour of nursing homes.

Leon Schuster To Poop Out New Movie 2012

Filmgoers rejoice! Leon Schuster is releasing another crime against comedy in 2012. His latest movie Mad Buddies will be a departure from his tired candid camera schtick. Instead of Schuster catching unwitting subjects in high-larious comedic set-ups, Schuster himself will be the subject of a covert reality show. As per the official Facebook synopsis:

The film kicks off when sworn enemies, Boetie (Schuster) and Beast, played by Kenneth Nkosi (Jerusalema, Tsotsi, White Wedding), are forced to embark on a road trip as unwitting subjects of a new TV reality show devised by a gorgeous TV Producer, Kelsey, played by Tanit Phoenix (Spud, Straight Outta Benoni). On camera, with the whole of South Africa in on the joke, the pair comes unstuck at every stage of this hilarious journey until they discover that they have been conned and join forces to exact revenge.

Bad Sex Awards 2011

Forget the Grammys. These are the award nominations that matter. They're the Literary Review's bad sex awards given to the most cringe-worthy sex scenes in novels. Anyone who's ever looked at a cover featuring a shirtless viking, pirate or Fabio should be well-acquainted with terribly-written sex scenes. As should anyone who's read a fantasy novel for that matter. I'm looking at you, George RR Martin.

Nandos Stops Airing Last Dictator Standing Ad

Seems the Nandos' Last Dictator Standing ad has ruffled the feathers of Robert Mugabe supporters in Harare. A militant ZANU-PF youth group, no doubt led by the Zim version of our own beloved Juju, threatened to boycott the chain if the ad was not withdrawn. This despite the fact that the ad was made by and broadcast for South Africans. Just because it's against the law to make fun of His Idiocy in Zimbabwe doesn't mean the rest of us should stop.



Nandos did not tell them to go sit on an egg. Instead they've pulled the ad from broadcast due to safety concerns over the staff and customers of their Zimbabwe division. For them, it's one thing if the local Mugabe Youth deprive themselves of peri-peri chicken while throwing a tantrum; it's quite another if they threaten innocents. I will refrain from making the obvious 'chickening out' pun that literally every other article on this has decided to use.



I don't see what all the fuss is about. Imagining Mugs playing water pistols with Gaddafi.is the sweetest image I've had of him in years. He's almost cuddly. He should hire Nandos as his PR team in order to reform his image as an evil bloodthirsty kidney-stone of a human being.

Free Music: Haezer, Yesterday's Pupil and Captain Stu

Everybody loves free shit. Everybody loves awesome South African music. And if they don't, they bloody well should.

If you love free shit, awesome South African music and have a computer and internet connection at your disposal (which you do unless you are reading this through the power of your mind, in which case download the music straight to your brain), then there are three local acts who have free releases just for you.

A Boatload of Tintin Artwork

With Tintin opening in South Africa this month, I thought this would be a good time for a Tintin fanart megapost. See what happens when Tintin meets the Predator, Cthulhu and Asterix, all under the cut.

Always Listen to Your Grandma

The interwebs can be overwhelming. Don't you ever wish you had some wise internet elder who could give you all the right advice? Someone like your granny? Alas, the most computer literate most blue-hairs get is if they know how to get on Facebook and post status updates on their cats.

Mark Twain Was a Bitch and I Love It

It's the 176th anniversary of Mark Twain's birth today, the Google doodle reliably informs me. Twain is of course the author of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. But more than just being an accomplished author and social commentator, he was also a catty bitch who had a clever quip and piercing put-down for every occasion. The old bastard spent his final years writing a hundreds of pages of a memoir swimming in bile.



Twain is one of the most eminently quotable authors of all time. Here are some of his best burns:

Every time I read 'Pride and Prejudice,' I want to dig her up and hit her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

-On Jane Austen

Just the omission of Jane Austen’s books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn’t a book in it.
-More on Austen

Cooper's art has some defects. In one place in Deerslayer, and in the restricted space of two-thirds of a page, Cooper has scored 114 offenses against literary art out of a possible 115. It breaks the record.
-On James Fenimore Cooper

Once you put it down, you simply can't pick it up

-On one of Henry James' books

It is chloroform in print. If Joseph Smith composed this book, the act was a miracle - keeping awake while he did it was, at any rate.
-On the Book of Mormon

And some more general quotes from the curmudgeon:

All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.                

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.”

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.