The Very Accurate, Not at All Bullshit Roundup of This Week's Movies

Wondering what movie to watch this weekend? You could do what the producers of New Year's Eve did when they were deciding which actors to pair up in their movie - blindly throw darts at a board. Or you could consult my super-handy guide which distils the essence of this weeks' movies into a few sentences.

New Year's Eve


In Waterworld, Kevin Costner had to purify and drink his own pee in order to survive a world without fresh water. Think of New Year's Eve as that pee - Love Actually was the original fresh water, Valentine's Day was the first pee, New Year's Eve is the pee of the pee, and any subsequent holiday-based ensemble romantic comedies will continue the cycle of pee-cycling.

Arthur Christmas


It is a proven fact that 97.8 percent of all Christmas-based movies suck. This movie is by the people who did Wallace and Gromit and features a voice cast that includes James McAvoy, Hugh Laurie and Bill Nighy, so it might not suck. Don't worry, a Chipmunk movie is opening next week to fill the crap Christmas movie quota.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark


Katie Holmes stars in a movie about shady beings who who are responsible for the disappearance of anyone who crosses them. No, it's not a documentary on Scientology.

Drive


Ryan Gosling is a stunt driver with a shiny jacket who gets a hit put out on him when his real-life attempt to play Grand Theft Auto goes horribly wrong. Based on the critically acclaimed movie Drive Angry with Gosling in the Nicolas Cage role.

Brighton Rock


A gangster flick set in the 60s that's a remake of a movie from the 40s, based on a book set in the 30s. The story follows a young thug named Pinkie, who's got to be a hardass bastard because how else would he survive the underworld with a name like Pinkie?

Satyagraha



It's a minimalist opera about the life of Gandhi and based on an ancient Sanskrit text. Oh, and it doesn't come with subtitles. Sounds like a crowd-pleaser.

My recommendation


New Year's Eve. Be honest, aren't you just a little curious about a movie that pairs Michelle Pfeiffer with Zac Efron, Lea Michelle and Ashton Kuctcher, and Halle Berry and Robert DeNiro?